Coming Home: Finding Fluency in My Inner Landscape
Anchoring Into Present-Moment Safety
On the way to becoming a spiritual director, I encountered a residue of pain within me that I didn’t know was there. This arose as an extreme overreaction in my body to a perceived threat. When a wise mentor named my experience “trauma,” new self-compassion emerged. This experience beckoned me toward a field of study that I now see as an investment in liberation — freedom to be loved and to love.
This compassionate orientation gave/gives me the courage to turn toward my pain with love and kindness, to develop fluency in my body’s intelligence, and to strengthen my capacity to be present.
I now understand that for years, my body was often responding to present-moment situations through the lens of past pain. I did not have the skills to anchor into present-moment safety, and without present-moment safety, my capacity for secure, safe, and stable connections was diminished.
Cultivating the Capacity to Witness My Experience
I am now familiar with what it feels like to be “home”— to be grounded and regulated in a space where I can see myself and others from a place of compassion.
I am always observing how my body communicates its intelligence, paying attention to what’s happening at a granular level in somatic cues, felt senses, and patterns of thought.
These signals help me notice when I’m leaving “home,” when I’m away from home but still have the choice to return, and when my body has completely taken over in the present moment to protect me, and home is a long way off.
Even when I’m not able to connect with safety in that moment, I have found that this learning has fundamentally changed the way I interpret these moments when I reflect on them, and it has reduced the harm I cause to myself and others when I am in pain.
This fluency, paired with a stable, secure connection with a guide, has helped me cultivate the capacity to witness my experience and to resource myself.
As long as we have bodies, there will be times when we are disconnected from present-moment safety.
Finding fluency in my body’s signals doesn’t mean life is easy or that I’m perfect, it means that I am learning. The learning has happened little by little in the tiniest of increments that I’ve savored the heck out of.
Becoming a Compassionate Witness to Myself and For Others
At some point, I noticed that as I entered a situation I expected to be very difficult relationally, I was at ease. I thought perhaps this was a fluke, but then it happened again, my heart stayed open and I was attuned to my experience and my choices.
Apprenticing with Dr. Shannon Michael Pater was the place where all of this learning came together for me. His influence took something theoretical and helped me embody the concepts organically.
With his blessing, I am incorporating his Neuro-Mystical Landscape Model into my offerings. The model integrates applied Polyvagal Theory, applied Internal Family Systems Theory, applied Attachment Theory, Window of Tolerance into a model that invites engagement with the concepts in a non-formulaic way.
I bring my own language, experience and a lifetime of study to this model. I also understand that not everyone is interested in learning theory. It is my hope to simplify these concepts into entry points for everyday folks who want to benefit from them without having to learn an entirely new vocabulary.
This is not a one-size-fits-all model. It’s a slow and steady integration and applied theory into your particular life. If this sounds interesting, I’d love to hear from you.
Would you like some company or gentle guidance as you listen for wisdom and explore new ways of engaging with your soul? I offer spacious accompaniment and trauma-informed spiritual direction. I’d love to hear what’s stirring in you and meet with you for a free exploration session.
Read More On The Soulspace Blog:
Dysregulation as Prophetic Voice
Incredible Hulk Moments: Dr. Jacob Ham Demystifies Trauma
Moving Through a Dark Night of the Soul: A Spiritual Director Holds Space for Obscurity
